Trapped in Matter

The Tasks of Mourning

Today (March 6) would have been my mom's 51st birthday. Up until now I really haven't expressed my thoughts on the passing of my mother to anyone other than my wife. I usually keep my emotions hidden, sometimes even from myself. As another step towards closure I am writing this blog entry.

My mom died of a heart attack during the evening of September 26th, 2001. She was at my grandma's house playing cards along with her co-worker, Liz. According to my dad, she was complaining of some heartburn and asked my dad to go buy some Rolaids to alleviate the pain. Rolaids was a staple of my moms diet for as long as I can remember. My Dad also told me (which was pretty vague) that she collapsed onto the floor. Paramedics came to the house and tried to restore life signs and transported her to the local hospital. They were unsuccessful and she was pronounced dead.

I had just moved to Chicago a few weeks prior to her dying. I received a phone call from my aunt. I thought it was strange that she was calling me and she sounded really upset. She told me that my mom had suffered a heart attack. I asked her were she was, thinking she was okay. Expecting her reply to be at the hospital, she told me that mom was at Powers & Priebe, a funeral home in my hometown. I screamed, went into shock and gave my wife the phone to see if what I was told was really true. It was. I dropped to my knees in the dining room. My roommates asked what was wrong. I had to utter a phrase that I was not prepared to speak this early in my life: "My mom is dead."

My wife and I were supposed to go back to my hometown the weekend before and visit my family, but decided to wait. As you can probably imagine, not going that weekend made me very regretful for a long time afterwards.

My mom was always there for me and that was a very comfortable feeling to have growing up. Having that feeling taken from me left a hole too big to fill for the longest time. Mom had a great sense of humor and a sincere laugh. She was a genuine person who was protective of her family and friends. She would rather suffer the burden herself instead of someone else.

My father and mother had a very difficult relationship. As far back as my memory goes they were never really happy to be together. But my mom stuck it out for as long as she could for her kids. She most likely would have ended the marriage years ago if it were not for me begging her to stay with my father. At that time I was terrified of the changes that divorce usually brings with it. Mom finally had had her fill of my dad and asked him leave the house for a period of time. My father ended up moving in with his parents.

A little over a year later while still living with his parents, my dad's mother died. Sadly, my grandmother's death was the beginning of a new life for my mom and dad's relationship. They had fallen in love again. I was stunned by their newfound love for each other and so happy they were back together. A few months later, she died.

I took my mothers death personally for a long time. I witnessed my great grandma's last breath, my grandma's death, watched as my grandpa lay dead on the kitchen floor with the last half of his dinner patiently waiting to be eaten, but I was unable to be with my mom during her last minutes. To make things worse I was 3 fucking hours away from her. I shook my clenched fists at the heavens and cursed all of the gods. How could such a thing happen at such an exultant period of her life, and mine as well? I had just moved and thought I was about to initiate the beginning of the rest of my life. The initiation began, but not according to the terms I had expected. Even though I would love her to be alive still and be able to give her the title of "grandma," I have accepted her passing with a smile.

I can hear her laughing at me now while writing this.

Happy Birthday Mom, I still miss you!




Note: I took this picture of her while she was at work. I think this is was one of the last picures taken of her. See the broach she is wearing? It has the birth stones for my brother, my wife, and myself on it. She wore this everyday. She is wearing it right now.

posted by Crackpot! @ 10:27 AM